How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely: A Washington State Safety Planning Guide

Step 1 — Identify Safe Spaces in Your Home

Know which rooms are safest if a confrontation begins. Avoid rooms with weapons (kitchen, garage). Look for rooms with a door that locks or a window you can exit from. If possible, identify a room with a phone. Having a mental map of your home during escalation can save your life.

Step 2 — Establish a Code Word

Choose a word or phrase with a trusted friend, family member, neighbor, or coworker — something that sounds normal but signals "call 911" or "come get me." This can be as simple as asking about the weather or mentioning a specific name. Make sure the trusted person knows exactly what to do when they hear it. Practice it once so it feels natural.

Step 3 — Gather Your Important Documents

Quietly collect — or memorize the location of — the following: government-issued photo ID, birth certificates for you and your children, Social Security cards, passports, insurance cards, financial account information, lease or mortgage documents, vehicle titles, and a current medication list. Make copies and store them with a trusted person, in a safety deposit box at a bank the abuser doesn't use, or in a secure cloud account only you can access. Do not store copies on a shared device.

Step 4 — Build an Emergency Bag

Pack a bag with 3–5 days of clothes and essentials for yourself and any children. Include cash (even a small amount), a phone charger, medications, copies of key documents, and comfort items for children. Store this bag somewhere the abuser won't find it: with a trusted friend, in your car, or at your workplace if that is safe.

Step 5 — Digital Safety Is Physical Safety

Abusers commonly monitor digital devices. Change passwords for email, banking, and social media from a private device — a library computer, a friend's phone, or a new device the abuser doesn't know about. Use private/incognito browsing when researching resources. Consider creating a secondary email account. Turn off location sharing on your phone and in individual apps (Google Maps, Find My, social media). Check your phone's app list for stalkerware — apps that run silently and share your location, texts, or calls. The National Network to End DV has free tech safety resources at nnedv.org.

Step 6 — Know Your Options

The WA DV Hotline (1-800-562-6025) can help you develop a full safety plan over the phone, 24 hours a day, completely confidentially. You do not have to share your name. You do not have to commit to leaving. You can call just to talk through your situation and understand what's available.

Step 1 — Choose a Destination Before You Leave

Know where you are going before you walk out the door. Options include: a DV shelter, the home of a trusted friend or family member (someone the abuser does not know well), or a hotel paid for with cash. Do not go to places the abuser knows — a parent's home he has visited, a friend you've talked about openly.

Step 2 — Call the WA DV Hotline for Real-Time Shelter Availability

Washington State has DV shelters in every region, but bed availability changes daily. Call the WA DV Hotline (1-800-562-6025) to get real-time referrals to open shelter beds in your area. Do NOT book in advance from a shared device, and do not save any confirmation where the abuser might find it.

Step 3 — Timing Matters

Many DV advocates recommend leaving when the abuser is away from home — at work, running errands, visiting friends. Leaving during an active confrontation increases danger. If you have a window of time when the abuser is reliably absent, that is often the safest departure point. Trust your knowledge of the abuser's patterns.

Step 4 — Taking Your Children

Under Washington State law (RCW 9A.40.060), custodial interference is a crime — but taking your children to safety in a domestic violence context is not custodial interference. Washington courts and law enforcement recognize this distinction. If you are uncertain, call CLEAR (1-888-201-1014) — the free legal aid line for Washington State — before or immediately after leaving.

Step 5 — Pets

Washington State's DVPO statute (RCW 26.50.060) specifically allows courts to include pets in protection orders. An increasing number of WA DV shelters accept pets. PAWS and regional DV organizations participate in the SafePlace Animal Shelter Program, which provides emergency pet care while you access shelter. Call the WA DV Hotline to find a shelter that can accommodate your pet.

Step 6 — If Police Are Involved

You have the right to request a Domestic Violence Officer — specifically trained in DV response — when police respond to your situation. You can also ask for a "civil standby" — an officer who accompanies you back to the home at a later time to safely retrieve your belongings. This is a free service and does not require a court order. Many survivors do not know this option exists.

Step 1 — File for a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO)

A DVPO is a court order that legally prohibits the abuser from contacting you, coming to your home, your workplace, or your children's school. In Washington State, you can obtain a temporary emergency protection order the same day you apply, without the abuser being present — from your county's Superior Court. The temporary order lasts up to 14 days. You do not need a lawyer to file.

Step 2 — Enroll in the Address Confidentiality Program (ACP)

Washington State's Address Confidentiality Program, administered by the WA Attorney General's office, assigns you a substitute address that appears on all public records — voter registration, vehicle registration, and other databases. This means your real location cannot be discovered through public records searches. The program is free. Apply at atg.wa.gov/acp.

Step 3 — Change Your Routines Immediately

The abuser knows your patterns. Vary your commute routes. Change the times you drop off or pick up children. Change your work schedule temporarily if possible. Avoid predictable locations at predictable times. This may feel exhausting — it is. It is also critical in the highest-risk window after leaving.

Step 4 — Notify the People Around You

Tell your employer's HR department, your children's school or daycare, and your medical providers that you have left an abusive situation and that the abuser should not be given your address, phone number, or location. Provide a photo of the abuser if you can safely do so. Many institutions have protocols for exactly this situation — ask them to activate those protocols.

Step 5 — Open a Separate Bank Account

Open a new account at a financial institution the abuser does not use. BECU and WSECU are open to all Washington residents and offer free checking. Remove the abuser as an authorized user on existing accounts. Change all PINs and passwords from a new device. If the abuser is on your phone plan as the account holder, contact your carrier about separating your line.

Step 6 — Digital Safety After Leaving

After leaving, consider getting a new phone number. If possible, get a new device — stalkerware can survive a factory reset on some devices. Create new email accounts on a device the abuser has never touched. Disable all location services. Review which apps have access to your location and revoke unnecessary access. The National Network to End DV's Safety Net project (nnedv.org) provides free, up-to-date guidance on checking for stalkerware and securing your devices.